Hello All! <3
As always, I encourage you to discern any considerations I offer against your own inner knowing. We are each on our own journey of self-discovery and what resonates with one soul may not for another.
Have you ever been in a situation when it just “clicks”? You suddenly “get it” in a different way? Maybe a big realization. Maybe a gentle awareness. But whatever it is, you get it. And now it’s different. Forever. Big or small, that knowing takes over. It just simply cannot be unknown. And sometimes the new awareness is huge. It instigates a transformation beyond words and mind. A complete shift of heart and soul resonance takes root.
Almost seven years ago, I took a nose dive into all things not easily seen or understood. A soul clarity call. The really big questions about life. This universe in which we live. The belief systems, conditioning, and fears which I began to realize I was carrying around like old luggage. It came in the form of many hard looks in the mirror. Crazy life events. So many moments of wondering who I was or what I even believed outside of that which I had been told. Reflections on a life that felt very much on auto-pilot and full of effort and conformity. Lots of nonsensical busyness just for the sake of rushing here or there or doing this or that. Lots of words coming out of my mouth that sounded just like everyone around me. From the depths of my soul came a deep asking…
For whatever benevolent reason, it was time. I was being gifted with the pause to really question what, or who, was even driving this experience called “my life”…? Who was the person beyond the daughter, sister, wife, friend? Who was I behind the Sunday School Teacher, mother to 2.5 kids and the white picket fence? This girl next door had somehow opened her Pandora’s box and the questions flew out. Against the backdrop of what I began to recognize as very deep, deep social conditioning, routines and structures. Emotional crutches and false identities that I had clung to for a lifetime. The nagging knots in my gut were finally demanding to be unraveled. My awareness began to shift. I walked through the crack in perspective that had presented itself and stood face to face with what was on the other side of it. And so began the process of unraveling and realigning everything about who I believed myself to be and how I saw the worlds in which I lived. It was messy. Ruthlessly messy. It was painful and uncomfortable. And it was also very real and necessary.
Divinely timed and inspired.
I started to ask the questions that had previously felt taboo. The very questions I was deeply conditioned to in fact *not* to ask because I had come to believe that they somehow signified a weakness of faith or lack of loyalty, connection or understanding. I had instilled default guilt in myself that I hadn’t witnessed until that point. Through social and religious upbringing, I had chosen to believe that reconciling my personal dissonance to my satisfaction was somehow a betrayal to God. Disobedient to the sub-culture of my family, community and even the patriotism demanded by my country. It was all tangled and convoluted.
Ignoring the pursuit of my personal truth certainly made me “normal” and a “good person” in everybody else’s eyes, but I was ultimately betraying my own sense of self.
My own growth and evolution.
I began to consider that I had very much confused humility with my sense of worth. Curiosity with disrespect. Organized religion, in particular, had taught me concepts and rules. It had taught me what to believe under the misnomer that I was discovering the truths for myself, just like everyone else around me had.
However, as I dove into my personal longing for deeper connection with the divine, I learned that absolutely no definitions or rules could possibly contain who and what I was calling God.
I started to live in the awareness that when our soul authentically calls out to commune, awaken, to evolve, to know… the answers will come. And when it does, it can’t be contained in any book, story, box, dogma….or even static belief. And it certainly isn’t comfortable. And it may just look like utter insanity to those around you.
Growth happens inside of a different perspective than the constructs of your current paradigm. Which is why it literally looks “crazy” to anyone still existing in that paradigm. It is also why it is so personally unsettling. You are literally moving into previously unknown aspects of yourself and the world around you. I began to discover that real peace doesn’t come from following rules or sheltering yourself from craziness and uncertainty. It comes from growing your courage to face your dissonance and fears.
Walking straight into it.
And allowing it to unravel everything about you that isn’t true.
As this process began for me, in one very real sense, my everyday existence required my “typical” participation and engagement. In another, the veil that separates the world of the five senses from the more expansive magic and mystery of the divine, started to become very thin.
Rather suddenly, I found myself contemplating things like enlightenment and multidimensional existence in the carpool line. I was engaging in very profoundly mystical meditation experiences. It became easier and easier to close my eyes, and through a synergy of silence and focused attention, commune with an expanse of divinity to which I was previous unconscious. Moving into a much broader perspective about everything I had ever believed or thought myself or my experiences to be. Then I had to begin navigating a significant reshuffling of everything inside and out. Unraveling, releasing and growing. Nothing about it was easy. But there was no turning back. My soul was awakening from a deep slumber. I was emerging into an entirely new awareness and state of being which felt much like coming home to a place I had simply forgotten.
New awareness illuminates. And as each moment of awareness meets the next, a life of enlightenment unfolds. And that is really what I began to consider. That we are here having this Earth experience to take responsibility for our own journey of self-actualization. That each one of us is independently raising ourselves out of our own density.
The process has been ongoing. And in an infinite universe, my assumption is it will continue to be. As a mother immersed in Western culture, I can assure you this has been a master class in finding my way. Not only for myself, but for my children. For those around me. Because I have realized that taking responsibility for my growth is how I support others in theirs. There are many days that the mountain top cave somewhere in Tibet feels like the luxury alternative in comparison. Nonetheless, I also know it wouldn’t hold the same lessons and components for growth that my current life holds for me. Along the way, I have encountered a tribe of people experiencing a similar journey. I have also come to realize that there are many more joining us daily in this “awakening”.
And that is nothing short of magical.
Ultimately everything about my experience is always leading me back to the compass in my soul and the discernment of my heart. The space where truth exists for me. A space I would encourage all to come to know for themselves. For a lifetime I had mistakenly given that control away to things outside of me. I have come to remember that it is something that exists IN me, as I also exist in it.
Now my momtra has become anything that pursues my commitment to who I AM.
This really has been the mother awakening for me. In every literal, figurative and metaphorical sense. It all started with having the courage to release to a sacred space of self-honesty. In that space I discovered that for me, the feeling of authenticity trumps any other feeling that exists. In that knowing I was bestowed with the most fanatical grace I could ever imagine. That space is where I hold my direct line of communication with divinity. I learned that honesty is the highest form of integrity. I learned not to confuse humility with my sense of worth.
True humility is found in living and serving my truth, not as a martyr to the truths of others.
I came to realize that not living in this integrity is painful. The liberation from that is found in connecting to and expressing our personal truth. And allowing that same space for others.
The opportunities come, many times over in your life, in which you have a choice point. A point to just take a big breath and jump off the cliff. And that cliff can represent anything.
And it may end miraculously and it may end in disaster.
The realization is that it doesn’t even matter. It was only ever about just being brave enough to jump. And then jump again. And again.
I’m with you in vulnerability. At the edge of any cliff at which you may be standing. Today is as good of a day as any to be brave. The first big jump is always the hardest. But it is also the most rewarding. xx
If you would like to connect for a one-on-one session as you navigate your journey of self-discovery, I would consider it my privilege and look forward to hearing from you.
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